Ayahuasca, Ego Death And The Escape From The Left-Brain Prison

14  March 2019

The hardest addiction to break, is the addiction to identity. It is also the path to freedom. Share on X

“Be aware that it takes time to integrate a psychedelic experience. The world you left behind will still be the same, but you will have changed. You may find yourself stuck in the middle, unable to slip back into your culture and unable to move forward in the direction that your new insights are pulling you. Be prepared for this.

How long this discomfort lasts depends on your ability to integrate the knowledge gained during the psychedelic trip. Only seek out these compounds if you really want to change, and are ready to change. “ ​ – “Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness“, Merlyn Gabriel Miller

When I wrote this book, I had not yet touched a drop of Ayahuasca. Yet I was aware of the tremendous power of transformation that Aya, and other entheogens have. Through reading the accounts of others and watching documentaries, it was obvious that this compound had the potential to change lives.

And when I started my healing journey, trying to rid my self of the PTSD that had plagued me for over 25 years, I was hoping that it would change mine.

I took a leap of faith into unknown territory, with the  thought that “whatever happens, and whatever comes next, it has got to be better than this.”

The Longest Journey

There is a saying, that the longest journey you will ever make, is about 30cm - from the head to the heart. And one thing that the Ayahuasca does exceptionally well, is to propel you towards that destination. Share on X

When I started healing with Aya, I was almost completely cut off from my emotions. Feelings were little gremlins that did nothing but disturb, confuse and irritate my brain. They needed to be kept in check. 

I was a prisoner of the left-brain, obsessed with analysing and making sense of the world, communicating and experiencing life from the neck up. Obviously not the path to happiness. Happiness is after all the domain of the heart, of the emotions.

What kept me from realising this, was not just the PTSD, although that certainly had a part to play. The main obstacle was the EGO. The sense of self, that “I am – this“. And I was my brain (more specifically, the left portion of it).

The body was just a vehicle to transport my brain around, and the heart was a nuisance whose feelings and desires clouded my better judgement. And yet, I wanted my life to change. 

However, as you may already know, in order for your life to change – you must change. 

YOU and LIFE are not separate entities. There is no life without you, and no you without life.

So for a new and better life to emerge, a new and better you must be born, and the Self as you know it, must die. 

Ego Death And Rebirth

The most powerful words in the English language are 'I AM', because whatever you put after those two determines your reality. Be conscious of how you use these. Share on X

I AM denotes IDENTITY, and as far as addictions go, this is the hardest one to break free from. We feel attached to our identity, and loathe to change it, even when we know that it may be for the better. 

If you are a housewife, spending all your time and attention on raising a family and taking care of the home, the day that the kids leave, chances are that you will feel a sense of loss. Not just of the children, but of your self as you have built your life around the identity of ‘housewife’. If there is no more house to keep, no one to take care of, that identity is no longer viable. Yet, you will still feel the attachment to that identity, not wanting to let go. 

The same could happen when you retire. If you have been the CEO of Johnson Mechanical for 30 years, used to working long hours, being in charge of a large business, dealing with employees and clients, that is how you see yourself. What happens the day you retire and can no longer say, “I am the CEO of Johnson Mechanical”, then who are you?

Any identity that you assume, be it housewife, CEO, artist, coin collector, adventurer, Star Trek fan, Democrat, good student, vegetarian, pessimist or alien abductee, could potentially become a prison. If you are attached to an unhealthy or outdated identity that no longer serves you, fear may prevent you from letting go.

• The fear of losing oneself (I don’t know who I am anymore)
• Not knowing how to live without it (What will I do now?)
• Being judged by others (What will they think of me?)

Realise that these fears are rooted in the Ego. That it desperately clings to the sense of Self that these identities provide. That it fears change as much as death, for in essence, to change is to die. 

When the seed breaks apart and ‘dies’ to give birth to the tree, it is not pleasant. Just as the experience of the Self breaking apart and dying is not pleasant. In fact, it can be absolutely terrifying and lead you into that mental and emotional Hell they call ‘the dark night of the soul’.

How long you will stay in that space, depends on your resistance to change. The more you resist, the harder it gets and the longer you stay. 

If you embrace the transformative process and see your identity as a tool that no longer serves a purpose, then letting go will not hurt you as much. Periods of confusion and sadness may still come, but what that causes the most pain is the attachment. 

New You, New Life

Once you have made the decision to let go of an unwanted identity, you may wonder what happens next. Does it leave a gap or a hole that needs to be filled? Does a new identity rise from the ashes of the old, or do you create one?

An identity is like a habit. Often you will find that it does leave a gap, a feeling of something missing which must be replaced. If the outworn identity of ‘smoker’ is let go of, and not deliberately replaced with another more beneficial one, it may return or transform into another undesirable identity, such as ‘nail biter’.

Which you choose to substitute it with, depends on how you want your life to be. 

Your life is a reflection of who you are. If you want your life to change, you have to change as well. Ask yourself, what do I want out of life? What would my perfect life look like? 

And most importantly, in order to live my dream – who do I have to become?

Mind The Trap

Once you have found the answers and set your sights on the fantastic future ahead of you – mind the trap. The trap is getting stuck in the new identity of “Trying to become/being/doing X”. 

Maybe you’ve told everyone all about it. How you are going to change the world, become a world-class athlete, travel around the world on a Yacht, etc. Maybe it has given you status in your friends’ circle or your mother is bragging about it to all her friends, maybe you got your family involved in making your dreams come true and borrowed money to pay for it. Then suddenly one day it dawns on you that you’ve picked the wrong goal. 

Your heart is no longer in your dream and you want to let go of it. But you feel trapped, because you think that now it’s not just about you anymore (although it is because you just made yourself the centre of the universe, thinking that if you collapse they all go down with you).

However, they will survive the changes, and so will you.

Closing Remarks

When I wrote “Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”, the plan was to make it the first in a 5 part series. The ideas and outlines for the other books were already in place, and I had a great time writing the first book. So the rest should follow quickly, I assumed. More than 2 years later, I have only written about 10 pages. It was about as much fun as unclogging the bathroom sink. 

The left-brain prisoner that wrote the first book is dead, and I have been dragging the corpse around trying to revive it. Not because I miss it, but because the identity of “Author” implies that the person actually writes. And since my name was attached to this left-brain book, I believed it was my duty to continue the work. 

The Ego can be very convincing…

Now that the prisoner has been discarded, the author is also free to use the whole brain to write. The heart too. And guts when needed.

So, what’s next? 
I have no idea. 

But when I do get an idea, I’ll write it down.

© Merlyn Gabriel Miller