Death (Part 2)

Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.

Taboos Surrounding Death

“The one who touches the corpse of any person shall be unclean for seven days. That one shall purify himself from uncleanness with the water on the third day and on the seventh day, and then he will be clean; but if he does not purify himself on the third day and on the seventh day, he will not be clean.”  – The Bible, Numbers 19:11 – 12

Handling dead bodies has long been a taboo. If the deceased died as a result of a contagious illness that could be a good thing. Another less logical reason for this taboo would be the fear of the newly deceased attracting dark forces such as demons, and that touching the dead would bring a person into contact with these.

The mourners are also surrounded by scary superstitions. Widows and widowers in particular have a hard time after the death of their partners and may be separated from the rest of the community for a while. Some believe that if the shadow of a widow falls upon them they will immediately get sick, or that looking upon one can bring about sudden death.

The fear of the dead returning to haunt the living as ghosts may lead the family members of the deceased to adopt unusual behaviours to ward them off, such as sleeping on thorn bushes. They might even move away to make sure the dead can not find them.

Speaking of the dead is also thought to attract the spirits of the deceased and is discouraged. In some places, uttering the name of the deceased may lead to severe consequences, even death. Most of the time though, you will simply be given a dirty look.

Ways in which you can avoid breaking this taboo is to either not speak of the dead at all, to avoid mentioning their name, or if you must speak of them – use another name like the Masai tribe do.

If your friend John Peters dies, you may speak freely of him under the name Evan Jones, as your old friend will not recognise this new name and therefore not be aware that you are speaking of him. Or, do as the Aborigines and call all deceased persons kunmanara – meaning ‘what’s his name’.

This is a practice we could benefit from adopting, as we are constantly being told that we should not speak ill of the dead. Even if they were complete bastards. But if you do a name swap they will never know and you can bash them as much as you like.

Honest eulogies and obituaries are rare. We tend to stick with sharing the deceased’s accomplishments in life. “Father of three lovely children, worked as a factory manager for 26 years, played golf, liked to take long walks.” 

Rarely do we hear that he also liked to drink until passed out every night. That his second favourite hobby next to hitting tiny balls with a golf club was to bash his wife with the same. That the kids were terrified of their father. That he hated gays and had a sizeable porn collection – all with the words ‘teen’ or ‘barely legal’ in the title. This sort of thing never gets out. Maybe it should. ‘What’s his name’ will never know anyway.

“But speaking ill of the dead a bad thing because they are unable to defend themselves.”

True. But that is also the case when you speak ill of the living behind their backs. Why don’t people have a problem with that?

After all, spreading rumours about the living might actually affect them. Speaking ill of the dead does not hurt them one bit. So, why do we care more about the feelings of the dead, than those of the living? Share on X

Maybe what you are really afraid of is that they might be listening from the other side?
Spooky.

How To Watch Your Loved Ones Die

This is a tough one. We want to be strong for them, keep their spirits up, comfort them and be there for them if they need us, but there is only so much we can do. While they are dying, we still have a life to live. A life that requires that we be present.

There is a lot of guilt and shame in waiting for the inevitable, and there should not have to be.

What I hear the friends and family of the dying feel most guilty about, is wanting it to be over. They do not want their loved ones to die, but they are tired. Share on X

The dying also feel guilty about placing a burden upon their family. All this shame and guilt is completely unnecessary and unfair.

Being sick and needing help is natural.
Accept it.
Not knowing how, or being too tired to help is also natural. 
Accept it.
Dying is natural.
Accept it.

Assisted Suicide And Euthanasia

It is not uncommon for pet owners to put their furry friends down, citing that ‘it is for the best’. That it is time to stop being selfish, let them go and end their suffering. When it comes to humans however, we are not so quick to let go, and we do not want to help them along either.

Some have put Do not resuscitate (DNR) in their end-of-life request, as they know their loved ones will do anything to hang on to them, even if that means prolonging their suffering. But do we have the right to keep someone alive against their wishes? I think this boils down to a very simple question:

If you are in pain and know that it will only get worse, and that there is no chance of survival - how would you like to be treated? Share on X

If you are afraid to die and want to hang on regardless, that is fine. That is your choice. If you are not afraid to die, and want the pain to end, that too should be your choice. Yours, and yours alone.

How To Comfort The Grieving

“They are in a better place.” 

Sometimes this line is appropriate, other times it is not. If the mourner has religious convictions that lead them to believe there is life after death, that the deceased has gone to Heaven, this may be reassuring. If not, it could be seen as rude. After all, how can anyone be better off dead?

“At least they are not suffering any more.” 

That is true. If the deceased had been sick for a long time, this line could be appropriate.

“I am sorry for your loss. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

This is still the best option. It lets the person know that you empathise and that they can call on you for help if they need it.  

“My God. How long has it been? You’ve got to let that go sometime.”

Avoid this, and similar statements at all cost. Grief does not have an expiration date. Some grieve for five minutes, others for a lifetime. Or grief can return twenty years down the line and smack you over the head. Share on X People grieve in the manner that is appropriate for them, and for however long they need to.

Final Word

So, what is the right way to look at death?

Do we see death as life’s expiration date and the point of no return?
Or is it simply a threshold to be crossed, on the way to another dimension or another life?

Do you want to know what the right answer is?

Whatever makes you feel more comfortable about dying.

© Merlyn Gabriel Miller