Love, Relationships And Marriage (Part 1)

Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.

“Adults who don’t receive regular human touch — a condition called skin hunger or touch hunger — are more prone to suffer from mental and emotional maladies like depression and anxiety disorders. “  – Huffington Post, “The Science Behind The Profound Power Of Holding Hands”

Skin hunger.
Maybe you have heard of it?
That which drives people to seek out physical contact with other human being. Hugs, caresses, kisses…

Our need to fall in love, form partnerships and maybe even get married is not just down to the sex drive. Touch releases the chemical oxytocin - 'the love hormone' in our brains which relaxes us and makes us less anxious. In short, it makes us feel good. Share on X

Those who are deprived of physical contact suffer from a range of health problems. Children raised in orphanages where affection is scarce will suffer from more physical ailments than their peers, and may even have stunted growth despite being well fed. Infant death rates among orphans are also higher than in the general population.  

“Just as lack of food, water, and rest have their detrimental effects, so too does the lack of affection.” – Kory Floyd Ph.D

Love, Love, Love…

What is the difference between falling in love and being in love? And have you ever heard that love is reason, but falling in love is psychosis?

When you fall in love, you view the person you are attracted to through rose coloured glasses. The flaws of the other person, the areas in which you are incompatible and all the red flags that say ‘this is not the one for you’, disappear in a haze of emotion. This is clearly not a state of reason.

“Love’s about losing your mind, not your heart. New love is a bit like psychosis, with the lovestruck presenting with symptoms of addiction, mania, dementia and obsessive-compulsive disorder. “ – Hindustan Times, “Wired to lose your mind: Know the science behind falling in love”

Some of us get stuck looking for the next high, that rush of feeling we get when we fall in love, thinking that the relationship has run its course once that disappears.

Or, we may mistakenly believe that our partner has changed, that they are no longer the person we fell in love with. What has changed is our perception. Now that the psychosis has lifted, we are finally able to see our partner as they are, warts and all.

If we survive this transition and remain attached to the partner after the rush and the psychosis are gone, maybe there is real love present. Love is about accepting another - heart, soul, body and mind, and caring for them deeply. It does not fade so easily. Share on X

Soulmates

Do soulmates exist, or is it just a made up romantic ideal with no hold in reality?

In Plato’s Symposium, Aristophanes puts forward the theory that man, as he appears today, is incomplete. Original man was a creature with four arms, four legs and two heads. These beings were of three genders – male, female and androgynous, and were so powerful and terrifying that even the Gods feared them.

Seeking to disempower them, Zeus cut these beings in two and scattered the halves across the globe. This way he made sure the humans were too busy searching for their lost halves to ever be a threat to the Gods.

Expressions like ‘my better half’, ‘my other half’ and ‘she completes me’ may be better understood through this myth, for it does appear that we are frequently referring to it. As if we instinctively know that something is missing. That we have lost a source of power which comes from being part of a unit, rather than a lonely and incomplete being.

But is this approach healthy?

“Those who perceive their partner as their soul mate, as being part of that kind of unity, were more dissatisfied in their relationship when conflict arose. After all, if you are with your soul mate, the perfect counterpart, why should trouble even surface? Couples who viewed their relationship as a journey, a journey that involves continual growth, were happier.” – Lauren Suval, PsychCentral, “Soul Mates: Do They Really Exist?”

Whether looking for a soulmate is healthy or not may depend on what you associate with the term soulmate. If you believe a soulmate relationship is one where you live happily ever after, never argue and where everything lines up perfectly, then you will be bitterly disappointed. Share on X Brangelina seemed to make a pretty good go of it for a while, but no fairytale ending there either. Just an ending.

If you believe in the concept of Karma, then you might see the soulmate as a teacher. Someone who may or may not be with you for life, but that profoundly changes you and the way you view the world. You could have several soulmates over the course of a lifetime, each with a specific lesson to teach.

Your soulmate may not even be your lover or life partner, but a friend or relative. Someone who guides you, comforts you or helps you achieve your goals.

You could have several soulmates over the course of a lifetime, each with a specific lesson to teach. Your soulmate may not even be your lover or life partner, but a friend or relative. Someone who guides you, comforts you or helps you achieve your goals.

But if you are looking for the one, remember that they might not look or act the way you expect them to.

If you have a long list of requirements, such as ‘slim, blonde hair, tight butt, must love football, hiking and dogs, Christian, gets along with my mother’ and so on – burn it. It may keep you from recognising a soulmate when one is present.

You could find that you are strangely attracted to a short, dark-haired, plump Atheist with buck teeth that your mother hates. And if you do find that, do not run from it. You may just be running away from happiness.

Love And Sex

Do you have to love someone or be in love to have sex?
Or can you separate the two?

For some there is no separating the two. Sex is an expression of love and not just a matter of physical attraction. For others, love is a bonus, but not something that necessarily has to be present when having sex with someone. Some may even be unable or unwilling to fall in love, but still require physical intimacy.

So there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer here. It depends on who you are, what you are looking for and what you are capable of.

Friends With Benefits

This is a category which baffles me. Not because I can not understand that people would want to have sex with their friends, but because it changes the old definition of a friend.

Before this arrangement became popular, the word friend meant someone you did not sleep with. Between friends there could be heaps of platonic love, but no romance, physical attraction or sexual contact.

Now today, if someone says ‘we are just friends’, does it mean that they only like to hang out together, or do they also like to screw each others’ brains out?

Maybe ‘fuck buddy’ is a better term to use, instead of calling someone you sleep with a ‘friend’. Although, saying that out loud could be difficult.

Casual Sex

Casual sex is something that is enjoyed by people in more open societies, yet it is not without its drawbacks. One of which is more common for females.

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should, so keep those legs together. No one wants a slapper. Plus, you could get a VD. Who would want you then?”

While it is easier for a female to find a sex partner, she receives more criticism for taking advantage of these opportunities than the male.

If the male manages to secure a number of sex partners, he will most likely experience a boost in his public standing. He will be told, “Good Job, Buddy!”, and be given a pat on the back.

So although the sexes are equal in theory, both having the right to sleep with as many as they want, in practice it does not always work out that way. 

“But why do people have casual sex?” 

Because they can.

Because they are horny but not interested in romance. They crave physical contact but are not ready for a relationship. They are lonely, need attention, have commitment issues, need a boost to their self-esteem or want to take revenge on their cheating partners.

There are many reasons why people engage in casual sex, and these are just some of them.

“Is it safe to have casual sex?”

Physically? If you use a condom, it is relatively safe. It keeps most diseases at bay and significantly lowers the risk of having to pay child support.

And if the person you are having sex with is not a deranged killer, psychopath, a batshit crazy stalker or someone who robs once you fall asleep, then it is safe. 

The most unsafe aspect of casual sex is having sex with a stranger. You do not have a clue if they are trustworthy.

The second issue, is that of emotional safety. You could fall in love and end up with a broken heart.

© Merlyn Gabriel Miller