Love, Relationships And Marriage (Part 2)
Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.
Types Of Sexual Relationships
The relationship type we are most familiar with is monogamy, where two people exclusively sleep with each other. In an open relationship, two people primarily have sex with each other, but also sleep with others – with their partners permission. In polygamous relationships, one man (or woman) will be married to and have sex with more than one partner. In a polyamorous relationship, three or more people may all be sleeping together.
Monogamy = Monotony?
One common complaint about monogamous relationships is that after a while the sex gets boring. And yes, there is something to that. If you have been together for a long time you probably know each other pretty well. You know what the partner likes and does not like in the bedroom. You repeat what they like and leave out what they do not. Then you form patterns, the patterns become a habit and the habit gets old. Sex gets boring. And you think ‘That’s it. The fun is over’.
And you are wrong.
Sex is only boring if you are. Share on X
Explore, experiment, have fun! Forget everything you think you know about your partner. As time goes by people change, their preferences change, what they are willing to try changes. If you have been together for 15 years, you are not the same people as when you first met. For better or worse.
Besides, your partner could feel the same way and be afraid to tell you because they do not want to hurt you. So, before you resign, pack it in and go looking for greener pastures – mix it up.
Sex And Marriage
Some advocate that sex should only be had within the confines of marriage. Are there any good reasons for this?
If you want to reduce the risks of contracting a venereal disease, then yes. If you want to ensure the paternity of the children which may result from your sexual encounter, then yes. If you want a fulfilling sex life – maybe. Some need to be married in order to comfortably enjoy sex, others do not. If you want a happy marriage – maybe. Some want monogamy, others prefer an open relationship.
However, if you start to feel an itch down there, please do not run for the altar and make a life long commitment that you may later regret. It is far better to make mistakes, than to marry them. Share on X
Lasting Marriages?
According to the statistics, there is a very good chance that you will be making promises that you can not keep when you get married. Promising to stay with that one person for life and forsaking all others is something many of you are unable to do. But this also depends on where you live and what culture you were brought up in.
Belgium has the highest divorce rate anywhere in the world at 71 percent. Chile has one of the lowest at a mere 3 percent. The EU average is 44 percent, but only 13 percent of marriages end in divorce in Ireland. 53 percent of marriages in the US end in divorce, and 48 percent in Canada.
Despite this, some do manage to stay together for life. What is it that these couples do differently? What is the secret to a long and lasting marriage? There is no bulletproof recipe, although being good friends as well as lovers is thought to be a good start. Most of all they are willing to do the work, invest in the relationship and make it a priority. And obviously, they do not give up.
Cheating
If you are married, cheating is a breach of contract, and it is the number one reason people get divorced. If you are not married, it is still a breach of trust. Either way, it is a rotten way to treat someone you supposedly love. Share on X
First of all, both men and women cheat, and one sex is no worse than the other, but the reasons why they cheat might differ. Men usually want more sex or more variety in the bedroom. Women are often attracted to the person they are cheating with, or cheat because it makes them feel wanted.
Other reasons why people cheat can be anger towards the partner, wanting to end the relationship but being afraid to do so, or even trying to save a failing relationship by looking for sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
Maybe the important question is not why people cheat, but why they do not break out of the relationship that they are in. If they are unable to stick with one partner, why be in a relationship at all? Oddly enough, 56% of married men, and 34% of women who cheated on their spouse rated their marriage as either ‘happy’ or ‘very happy’, and if you are happy, why leave?
Some are not suited for a monogamous relationship, and that is perfectly fine. We are all different. If you would rather have an open relationship, be honest with your partner. If they are okay with it, you are golden. If not, then yes – they might leave you. And maybe that is what you are afraid of.
Even if you are unhappy in a relationship, being in one has its benefits. Maybe your partner cooks and cleans for you, or pays the bills. Losing a partner means you also lose the benefits that come with the partnership. Some would rather cheat than risk losing it. Some would rather piss in the pool than get out.
“What traits make people more prone to cheating?”
Not surprisingly narcissism is a factor here. Also those who have cheating parents, have a history of risk-taking behaviours and addictions, who score low on agreeableness and conscientiousness on psychological tests, have the so-called ‘cheating gene’ (a long allele variant of the dopamine D4 receptor gene) and surprisingly – women who have husbands with large penises are more prone to cheating. (Now you see why bigger is not always better.)
And who do they cheat with?
Their co-workers or friends, usually.
Staying Faithful
“And who stays faithful? What traits make people less prone to cheating?”
People with higher levels of vasopressin, a hormone linked to empathy (similar to oxytocin) are less likely to cheat.
In men specifically, a healthy respect for the opposite sex is key, as well as emotional intelligence. A faithful man keeps his word, does not crave attention, is confident but not a risk taker, and is a great communicator.
“The partners who don’t cheat are able to talk to each other about subjects most couples would be afraid to approach.” – Randi Gunther Ph. D, “Promise Keepers – The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other”
Personal traits aside, the real trick to staying faithful is in the partnership itself, in how you think about the relationship and each other. If you see yourself as part of a unit, speaking of ‘we’ instead of me, it indicates a commitment to the relationship. And if you believe that the partner adds significant value to your life, you will not risk losing them.
© Merlyn Gabriel Miller
