Love, Relationships And Marriage (Part 3)
Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.
Marriage – Romantic, Arranged And Forced
Boy meets girl, they fall madly in love with each other, marry, have babies and live happily ever after.
At least that is the romantic notion that we have been brought up to believe in. Other cultures do not have the emphasis on falling in love as we do. And love is optional, something that may or may not show up, and if it does show up it is usually after marriage.
If both families have kids ready for marriage, they arrange to put the two together, thus joining the two families through the marriage. Sometimes the two getting married have a say in the matter (arranged marriage), other times they do not (forced marriage).
Should You Get Married Before Having Kids?
It depends. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with the mother or father of your child? If you do then maybe this is something that you should consider. If not, then do not get married.
Also bear in mind that the rights and responsibilities of married couples and those of cohabiting couples may differ. If you are considering marriage, talk to a lawyer to find out if that is what is best for you.
Marriage Endgame: Children?
Kids.
Are they always the reason for marriage?
Do you have to have kids if you get married?
Is a marriage without kids a moot point?
“Is that a baby bump I see? Congratulations!”
“No, it’s a bucket of fried chicken and a large Coke.”
“….Oh.”
This is perfectly normal. After all, you are married, and marriage means having kids, and a dog, and a house with a picket fence, backyard barbecues and all the rest of the usual super happy family stuff.
But why do people automatically assume that after marriage you are going to have kids?
Because traditionally, that is what would happen. People would get married, finally get to have sex and because there were no contraceptives, they would have kids. This has been the norm for thousands of years.
Still, that does not mean that you have to follow the same pattern. Oddly enough you can get married and live happily ever after without spawning. Spawning is optional. Besides, those who are the happiest with their marriages are often the ones who do not have children!
Taboo relationships
Relationships with a large age gap between partners tend to attract a lot of criticism and lay grounds for speculation. The common one being that the younger partner is looking for a parental substitute or a meal ticket, and that the older one is looking for a sex toy and are desperately trying to hold on to their youth. This may not be the case.
In the case of younger women and older men, it could be that the woman is ready to start a family and is looking for a financially secure and stable partner who wants the same thing. If you are 20, that may not be what your peers are into.
Younger men who seek out older women tend to be more of a taboo. The women may be told that they are mother substitutes and that they are keeping their man from having a happy, normal relationship with a female of childbearing age. Since the woman’s eggs are past their due date, the toy boy will be unable to procreate. What a tragedy! No, better return him to the nursery where you found him.
At the more extreme end of age gap relationships we find those that are effectively raising their own wives. They marry the girls while they are still children and train them to be their ideal spouse.
“I was given to my husband when I was little and I don’t even remember when I was given because I was so little. It’s my husband who brought me up.” – Kanas, Ethiopia
Cross-cultural relationships
This could be tricky, but it depends on the cultures being blended. Cultures have differing views on how two people should behave in a relationship and what constitutes a good marriage. If one partner hails from a culture that believes the woman should stay at home and raise kids after marriage, and the other does not, this could cause trouble, both within the marriage itself and with the in-laws.
In cases where the male comes from a rich country, and the female comes from a poor country, the male is thought to exploit the female. Especially if he is also older than her.
If the woman is the rich one and the male is poor, the guy is still exploiting the woman. Apparently, women can never exploit anyone. They are always the ones being exploited.
Did I hear you whisper ‘double standards’?
Will you convert after marriage? If not, how will you raise your children? Here is another point of contention both between the marriage partners and their families.
Interracial relationships
This is becoming less and less taboo, although there are still some areas where an interracial marriage may be an issue.
Cousin marriage
Cousin marriage is common in many parts of the world. It ensures that the resources remain within the family, and increases the likelihood that the spouses and in-laws get along. In the West this practice is rather unpopular, and some claim that it borders on incest.
A logical reason for being sceptical of cousin marriage is that where this practice is widespread, the risk of congenital birth defects and ill health of the offspring increases. If you marry your cousin, and your parents are also married to their cousins, your grandparents are married to their cousins and so on, you have now shrunk the gene pool down to a small puddle.
In order to secure healthy offspring we should ideally be selecting partners we are not related to. However, if you are the first generation to marry your cousin, the rate of complications are not as bad as you may think.
Avunculate marriage
An avunculate marriage is a marriage between uncle and niece, or aunt and nephew. Adolf Hitler’s parents were supposedly uncle and niece. This practice, once widespread, is now mostly banned. In the US, only New York and Maine still allow it, and it is illegal in most countries in Europe.
Adoptive parent and their child
In Iran in 2013, a bill was passed that allows a father to marry his adopted daughter once she turns 13.
Gay marriage
Anytime there is talk of the rights enjoyed by the straight crowd also being afforded the queers, people get...funny. Share on X And, as usual with controversial subjects, those opposed to it worry about the children. How on Earth are they going to explain gay marriage to the children?
How do you explain that the sky is blue? Or explain the virgin birth of Christ? Or talk to the kids about Santa and his flying reindeer? You explain it by using age appropriate language, and you speak in a language that they understand. If they speak English, do not speak in Farsi. Take it from there.
Failing that, let the kids explain it to you. They seem to have no problem with it. You can watch “Kids Explain Gay Marriage” on Jimmy Kimmel if you are still unsure.
© Merlyn Gabriel Miller
