Rape (Part 1)
Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.
“There is no point of relaying statistics on rape because for every figure given there are thousands missing, unreported. It is a shameful state we have created where a victim chooses to endure the pain and suffering, silenced by fear that judgement will come before justice.” – Aysha Taryam
Most of us think we know what rape is. We have seen it on TV. Some guy attacks a girl walking alone in the park at night, throws her down to the ground, puts a knife to her throat and says “Don’t scream” before proceeding to sexually assault her.
‘The stranger danger’, the idea that most assaults to women and children in particular occur at the hands of strangers, is one that is still prevalent in our culture. But rape usually does not look like that. Most of the time, the victim and the perpetrator know each other.
The Victim-Perpetrator Relationship
The majority of rape victims do not report the crime to the police. The fact that most victims know their rapist is one reason that they might not want to report.
The rapist may be related to the victim, be a family friend, a co-worker, a friend or partner. If the victim and perpetrator move in the same circles, accusing someone of rape could make the victim rather unpopular. Who wants to believe that someone they know and love could be capable of something like that? Share on X Which means the victim must be either confused or lying. Or maybe they know the person is guilty, but do not want them to go to jail.
Rape Culture?
In the now infamous Stubenville rape case, an unconscious teenager was sexually assaulted by fellow students at a party. While the rape was being committed it was also being photographed, filmed and joked about on social media. Not just by the rapists, but by other partygoers as well. One of them can be seen on a video saying, “they raped her quicker than Mike Tyson raped that one girl” and “They peed on her. That’s how you know she’s dead, because someone pissed on her.”
Some have argued that this case is a perfect example of rape culture. There were not only two rapists here committing a crime, but a large number of bystanders who knew full well what was going on and who did nothing to stop it, as well as employees at the school who tried to bury the evidence and hinder the police investigation into the case.
In the end, the two rapists received sentences of one and two years each. The case against a school superintendent who had lied to the police and deliberately tampered with evidence, was dropped after he agreed to resign from his job.
One of those who helped secure the necessary evidence to get a conviction, Deric Lostutter, faces federal charges of computer hacking with a possible 16-year jail sentence. As of today (November 2, 2016) he is still awaiting trial. It will be interesting to see what the courts decide. If they give him more jail time than the rapists. If they believe hacking is worse than rape*.
*Update March 8th 2017: Deric Lostutter was sentenced to serve 2 years in federal prison.
Entitlement And Expectations
One reason for rape, and why some feel the need to defend rapists, is entitlement. The idea that you have a right to have sex with someone, even if that person has no interest in having sex with you. Share on X
Some of this entitlement is linked to expectations. If a guy asks a girl out on a date, he is usually expected to pay for it. If a girl goes on repeated dates with a guy who pays every time, she is under increased pressure to have sex with him, because that is what is expected. ‘No guy goes to all that trouble, paying for dates and gifts without getting a little something in return’, we keep hearing. Why does this sound eerily like prostitution?
“Sure you can buy me a drink, but you’re not getting any pussy.”
The above was my mother’s response to a guy asking if he could buy her a drink. Not everyone is that straight forward, even when they know what is going on.
This idea of someone being entitled to sex can also make people afraid of genuine generosity, because there really is no way of telling whether one is at the receiving end of someone’s good will, or if one is being manipulated. This is why some routinely refuse gifts. Not because they do not want them, but because they are afraid of what they are being asked to give in return.
A common situation where sex is expected, is when you follow someone to their home, or take them to yours. Especially after a night of drinking. But the thing is that they have invited you into their home, not their body cavities. And if someone comes home with you it could just mean that they need a place to sleep it off, not someone to get them off.
Expect nothing, and you will avoid a heap of trouble.
Consent
Having sex with someone without their consent, is rape. But what exactly is consent? As I have come to understand it, consent rests upon three premises. To consent you must first:
- Have the agency to consent – by being of legal age.
- Have the ability to consent – you are not unconscious, under the influence of drugs or suffering from any illness or debility that in any way renders you incapable of clear thinking and rational decision making.
- Have the freedom to consent – you are making your decisions free from external pressure, such as threats of physical, mental or emotional harm.
Any sexual act performed on an underage or unwilling partner, under threat of violence, through physical, mental and emotional coercion and extortion, or where the partner is unable to resist the advances due to illness, physical or mental deficit or by being incapacitated through drugs, alcohol and sleep etc., falls into the dark area where consent is lacking.
In between this state, and that of full consent, there are grey areas which we frequently step into.
Partial consent is common, where you give in to the sexual demands of a partner, even if you are not interested in having sex. This could happen for a number of reasons. Sex could be given as a compensation for something that the partner has done, like painted the house or paid the bills. Sex can also be used as a way to keep the peace and avoid arguments. Here, sex is being used as a tool, but is not something that is entirely consensual. You are not having sex because you want to, but for other reasons.
The second condition, that of having the ability to consent, is the one that is most often broken. There is an unwritten rule in our culture which permits ‘soft’ pressure. Alcohol is often used as a social and sexual lubricant, to soften someone and warm them up. To make them do things they normally, in a sober frame of mind would not do. This is forced, and not real consent. If you are getting someone drunk or high in order to have sex with them, you are in danger of committing a rape.
The odd thing is that the question,'How much did you have to drink that night?' is frequently used as an accusation of the victims, and as an excuse for the perpetrators. Share on X
Defence:“How was he to know that the other guy didn’t want to have sex? The guy just laid there and didn’t say anything.”
Prosecution: “Did it ever occur to your client that my client was passed out drunk and unable to consent?”
Defence:“Well, of course not. If he thought that he would have stopped. He just thought the guy was you know, enjoying himself. Quietly. Besides, he was drunk. They both were. And maybe that is why your client is attacking my client right now, accusing him of rape. Maybe he forgot how much he loved it. Alcohol kills brain cells you know. Makes you forget stuff.”
So, how do you avoid accidentally raping someone while drunk? Well, don't drink and fuck, just like you don't drink and drive. Share on X But I suppose that would completely ruin your party culture, because that is part of the fun – getting drunk and maybe getting lucky.
Or unlucky.
Another point worth noting about consent is that consenting to ‘A’ does not mean you are consenting to the rest of the alphabet as well.
If you invite me to sit behind the wheel of your new car, it does not mean that I am entitled to drive it, keep it, sell it or wreck it. By the same token, if someone kisses you they are not automatically saying they would like to be tied down, whipped and fucked. You may be allowed to play with their private bits, or you may just be told that the kiss is it. That is where the fun ends.
Now, while you are debating this point with yourself, trying to find out if A should always lead to B, and if you are entitled to C, I will take a look at your car and decide whether I should just admire it, steal it or wreck it. Think long and hard now, and I will too.
© Merlyn Gabriel Miller
