Sex (Part 1)
Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.
“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.” – Marilyn Monroe
SEX. No other word in our language invokes so many different and conflicting feelings, ranging from sheer terror to bliss and everything in between. Share on XBut sex is simply sex, the intimate coupling of one person to another, yet we have so many taboos, rules, fears and myths surrounding it.
Let us see if we can dispel some of these myths and make the landscape a little clearer.
What Is Sex?
This sounds like a silly question, but oddly enough people are confused even here.
Is kissing sex?
Fondling someone with clothes on?
Without clothes?
Manually getting someone off?
Oral?
Anal?
Where do you draw the line?
Where abstinence only sex education is the norm, and where sex belongs to marriage and virginity is of prime importance, this question may not get answered.
So let us start with the definition of sex:
“Physical activity in which people touch each other’s bodies, kiss each other, etc. : physical activity that is related to and often includes sexual intercourse. Sexually motivated phenomena or behaviour.” – Merriam-Webster
According to the dictionary, sexual activity even includes kissing. Not what you were expecting to hear I bet. But what about virginity? You do not loose that by kissing.
“Virginity: the state of never having had sexual intercourse : the state of being a virgin.” – Merriam-Webster
For you to loose your virginity, you must engage in sexual intercourse, which is defined as:
1. heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis: coitus
2. intercourse (as anal or oral intercourse) that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis
Now, to sum it all up:
Sex: All forms of sexual activity or sexually motivated activity.
Sexual intercourse: Oral sex, anal and vaginal penetration.
Virginity: Never having had oral, anal or vaginal sex.
However, the actual definitions mean little in a culture where the mythical hymen is a treasure to be guarded at all cost. Too bad that thing has nothing at all to do with virginity.
The Hymen Virginity Myth
You have probably heard that there is a membrane called the hymen that covers the entrance to the vagina, and that this is broken the first time a woman has sex, causing a bit of pain and bleeding. And that if a woman does not have a complete hymen, she is not a virgin.
Forget what you have heard. It is complete bull.
Here is what the hymen actually is and what it does.
The hymen may, or may not be present in a woman. Yes, some are actually born without one.
In those that do have one, having an imperforate hymen, which completely covers the entrance to the vagina, which is what we associate with virginity, may actually require surgery. For if the vaginal passage does not have an opening, menstrual blood cannot get out. So an unbroken (imperforate) hymen is not a good thing.
The hymen itself is not a breakable solid object, but a pliable and elastic membrane which can stretch considerably. And in children, if it tears during physical activity such as horseback riding, it also has the ability to heal. So there is no set rule that says once it is broken it will stay that way.
When it comes to first intercourse the hymen may stretch to accommodate the penis, sufficiently so that the hymen does not tear, it simply stretches.
This is why the hymen is no indicator of virginity, as it may break during physical activity (and sometimes heal again) and stretch during sex. You can not look between a woman’s legs to determine whether or not she has had sex.
Besides, most hymens are already broken. They naturally have holes in them. Some hymens are barely there, as a small crescent around the vaginal opening. So as you can see, the hymen is not a sign of virginity.
“But why do some women experience pain and bleeding the first time they have sex?”
The pain and discomfort may be caused by the hymen, or it could be due to nervousness which can lead to a tightening of the vaginal muscles and a lack of lubrication. And, of course you could just have an idiot for a sex partner.
Anyway, if it is your first time – do not rush it. Use a condom, some lube and relax.
Know Your Anatomy
It is not only the hymen that confuses the sex novice, but basic anatomy seems to be a problem too.
Many years back, while I was still in school, a guy asked me which hole he should put it into. You see, he had some knowledge of anatomy, enough to have picked up that women had three holes down there, but what if he picked the wrong one?
As I told him, the first one you do not have to worry about. That is the urethra and there is no way you could possibly get it in there. The second is the vagina, that is the soggy, warm bit that you should be aiming for. And if you try the third, the asshole, that is not as welcoming, requires lube and if your partner is not prepared for anal she will no doubt let you know you are in the wrong area.
So, to avoid confusion – here is a quick and dirty anatomy guide for you.
The Groovy Male Bits
Penis
Size: the average (of 80 countries measured) is 5,5 inches/13.97cm. The country specific average ranges from 3,8 inches/9.65 cm in North Korea, to 7,1 inches/18cm in Congo.
Now, if you are terribly worried that you do not measure up in your country, you could always move. Although that is totally unnecessary. Most likely you have been watching too much porn and got a skewed idea of what a guy should look like down there. Besides, even men without penises can have a great sex life.
I am not kidding. One guy without a penis slept with over 100 women who did not even notice that anything was missing. Despite what you think, sex is not all about the dick.
Shaft of the penis: contains the erectile tissue, what makes the penis hard during an erection. It also contains the urethra which excretes both urine and semen.
Glans: The head of the penis, and one of the more sensitive areas on the organ. Contains about 7,000 sensory nerve endings, which is about the same as the clitoris of a woman.
Frenulum: a very sensitive area of elastic tissue beneath the glans, connected to the foreskin. Stimulating this area in men with spinal injuries can still produce an orgasm. For some men, the frenulum is the equivalent of the woman’s G-spot. This bit is often removed during circumcision.
Foreskin: the role of the foreskin is to protect the glans from trauma and some argue that this is the most sensitive area of the penis, vital to the male enjoyment of sex.
It is unclear how many nerve endings this area of skin contains, and if they are all connected to the sensation of pleasure, but the numbers range from a modest 10,000 (which is still more than the glans) to a whopping 70,000. The foreskin is also believed to aid in sexual intercourse by making the ride ‘smoother’. This bit is removed during circumcision.
Testicles: adult testicles vary in size from 12 cm³ to 30 cm³ , with an average of 18cm³. Uneven sizes of the testes is normal. The function of the testicles is to produce sperm, and androgens such as testosterone.
Scrotum: The skin and muscle sack that covers the testes.
Perineum: Another part of the male body which some have dubbed the ‘male G-spot’. This is the area of skin between the scrotum and the anus.
Stimulating this area is believed to stimulate the prostate gland, leading to sensations of pleasure. This may also account for the pleasure experienced by men during anal sex, as this would further stimulate the prostate. Some have even reported experiencing both orgasms and ejaculation through anal sex without even getting an erection.
The Dark Side Of The Moon (unisex)
Anus: an opening into the rectum, surrounded by a ring of muscles both outside and inside.
Anal Canal: 2.5 to 4 cm long, connects the anus to the rectum.
Rectum: 12 centimetres (4.7 in) long.
These sensitive areas are also are equipped with a large number of nerve endings. If these have anything to do with the sensation of pleasure, or just heat and pressure, or both, has not been conclusively established.
One likely reason for the experience of pleasure during anal sex could be that the penis also stimulates the g-spot in women indirectly, or the prostate in men. But there may be individual variations here as well, so do not take this as gospel.
What is important to note is that during anal sex there are more precautions that need to be taken than during vaginal sex. The rectum does not secrete any natural form of lubricant like the vagina does, so lubrication is essential.
When it comes to having anal sex, getting in might be tricky, as the two muscular rings, the inner and outer sphincter act differently. The outer sphincter can be relaxed voluntarily, the inner sphincter you have no control over.
This requires careful handling, despite what you see in porn. Those people are trained pros when it comes to this. And besides, they do not show you the aftermath of their anal sex sessions either.
Tears and ruptures that lead to infection, haemorrhoids, fissures, anal abscesses and the weakening of the anal muscles leading to an inability to hold faeces are just some complications that might arise. Not to mention pain, which is really not something you want your partner to experience during sex.
Anal sex may also be linked to anal cancer. Just as the HPV virus can cause cervical cancer in women, the same virus may also be responsible for anal cancer. So the advice here would be to lube it to love it. Glide, don’t pound.
And of course, practice safe sex.
The Female Groovy Bits
“Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” – Betty White
Vulva: the outer part of the female sex organ, consisting of the pubic mount, outer and inner labia, the clitoris, bulb of vestibule,urethra, urinary meatus, greater and lesser vestibular glands, vulval vestibule and vaginal opening.
Vagina: The genital tract (birth canal) which stretches from the vulva to the cervix. The average depth is about 3-4 inches/7.6 – 10cm, but this may increase in size by as much as 200% during arousal.
Clitoris: the visible parts of the clitoris – the glans and hood, vary in size, with an average width less than 1 cm, and length of 1.5 to 2 cm.
G-spot: an erogenous zone located approximately 2-3 inches/5-8cm inside the vaginal tract, facing front. Stimulating this point is believed to be what causes female vaginal orgasm, although not everyone experiences this.
Now that you know a little about the basic anatomy of the sexual organs, the next step is to figure out the wiring.
You see, even though the anatomy is similar, the wiring – what someone likes and dislikes, what arouses them and turns them off, may be completely different from one person to another.
© Merlyn Gabriel Miller
