Sex (Part 3)

Chapter from “Culture Is Not Your Friend: Sex, Death, Drugs & Madness”.

Sexual Orientations And Fetishes

“What defines a sexual orientation, and how many are there?”

Who you are physically attracted to defines your sexual orientation. This is also related to gender, as a male attracted to males is referred to as a homosexual, and a woman who is attracted to men is a heterosexual. A female attracted to females becomes a lesbian, a male attracted to females is a heterosexual.

A bisexual is attracted to both men and women, and if you are pansexual/omnisexual, all genders and sexes may attract you. If you are an asexual, you do not feel sexual attraction towards anyone. These are the main sexual orientations.

“But how does this differ from fetishes? Or, are those orientations too? Can you be a leather-sexual?”

Sure you can be a leather-sexual, but it is not a sexual orientation. It is a fetish.

“Fetish: A form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.” – Oxford Dictionaries

Sexual orientations are directed toward the whole human being. Fetishes focus on particular parts of the person, objects relating to them, or simply objects.

So you can have a foot fetish (partialism), a shoe fetish (object related to a body part) or gun fetish. Some recent definitions of fetishes also include certain activities, like BDSM, smoking, driving and so on. 

“Are fetishes harmful or a sign of metal illness?”

Most fetishes are neither a sign of mental illness, nor are they harmful. Share on X

They may cause the person to live anything but a normal life but the fetishes themselves are rarely a problem. Some live happily ever after with their bicycles, their balloons or leather boots and never bother anyone.

However, if you have a thing for used women’s underwear and get caught stealing from the laundry basket, that could be a problem. But as long as no one gets hurt and laws are not broken, do not worry about your fetish (or anybody else’s).

Paraphilia

“A paraphilia is a condition in which a person’s sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about and engaging in sexual behaviour that is atypical and extreme.” – Psychology Today

The above is the definition of paraphilia, but how do we apply this in practice?

Homosexuality was long considered (and still is in some parts of the world) to be abnormal. So are paraphilias real, or do they depend solely on cultural definitions of what is atypical or extreme?

Apparently there may be as many as 549 paraphilias, but the DSM5  (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) only lists 8. It also distinguishes between paraphilias, which do not require treatment, and paraphilic disorders which do require treatment. So when does a paraphilia become a disorder?

“When an atypical sexual interest causes distress or impairment to the individual or harm to others.”

And what are these 8 disorders according to the manual?

Exhibitionistic disorder, fetishistic disorder, frotteuristic disorder, pedophilic disorder, sexual masochism disorder, sexual sadism disorder, transvestic disorder and voyeuristic disorder.

So, if you are in love with a tree or your Volkswagen Beetle you may be unusual, but you are not in need of medical treatment.

If you feel the need to expose yourself to strangers or rub up against them for arousal, your actions are likely to cause harm to others and therefore require treatment.

Whatever turns you on, and does no harm – enjoy. The other stuff, you may want to seek professional help for.

Gender Specific Rules On Sex

The area of sex is where you will really notice the gender divide, how men and women are treated and viewed differently. Especially with regards to having multiple sex partners, and sex before marriage.

In many cultures, virginity is seen as the ideal state of a woman before marriage. The men are usually not viewed as any less for having had sex before marriage but the women frequently are.

The prevailing idea seems to be that sex taints women, and makes them impure. That they have a single use only function, like toothpicks. And even if you do reuse that stuff, you do not share it with a friend, right? So, repeated use of the toothpick, or the woman, is for one person only. Which means marriage.

The problem with this view should be rather obvious, that the woman is being seen as an object rather than a person. But what would happen if we turned this around and looked at men the same way we do women – as single use objects? What if we felt the same way about men with sexual experience as we do chewing gum on the streets? 

“Ewww…don’t touch that thing! You don’t know where it’s been. And for God’s sake don’t put it in your mouth!”

How would you like to be met with this sort of attitude by a potential sex partner? Feel good about your sexual experience now?

I have two words for you: Soap and condoms. Figure out what they are and how to use them.

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Illegal And Taboo Sex

“Why are there so many rules, written and unwritten around sex?”

Religion is undoubtedly the main culprit here. The accessory would be the various governments that see these rules as a good way to create a compliant population. Control people's sexuality and you control them. After all, if people allow you to dictate how they behave in the privacy of their own bedrooms, there is very little that they will not allow you to control. Share on X

In permissive Western cultures you might not think that there are many taboos left, but did you know that in some US states sex toys are illegal?

“Alabama has a law that prohibits selling products that are “primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs” in order to protect public morality. The entire state of Alabama and Georgia along with parts of Texas, Maine, New Mexico and more prohibit selling these devices because they are categorized as ‘obscene.'” – Nicole Weaver, “12 Bizarrely Real Laws About Love And Romance In The US That You Can’t Believe Were Passed” 

Oh, Alabama…You made sex toys illegal to ‘protect public morality’? Last time I checked, people did not routinely flop out their dildos and vibrating pussies for use in public, so where does the public part come in?

Or maybe that is just the excuse. What you really wanted to do is protect poor, innocent pieces of plastic and rubber from sexual abuse, right?

Or maybe, just maybe it is fear that is behind the sex toy ban – fear that your Johnsons do not measure up? A 7 inch dildo could make an average Joe with a 5,5 feel a bit…inadequate. Are you scared that your little virgins will turn you down because they prefer to play with their big, black dildos instead of you?

Assumptions About Other People’s Sexuality

Assume nothing.

A man wearing pink may, or may not like it up the ass. A woman in a suit and tie, may or may not be a lesbian. Newlyweds may or may not be fucking like rabbits. A bisexual may, or may not be interested in a threesome. An 80 year old couple may or may not live in a sexless marriage.

Let’s face it – you do not have clue what others do in the bedroom, and that is a good thing. It is really none of your business unless you are in there with them.

If you have sex with blow up dolls, like to be tied down, want to wear a furry bunny suit while humping, that is none of my business. Unless of course you are having sex with me. Then I would appreciate a warning before you pull out the whips and gags.
And the rabbit ears.

Porn vs. Reality

Using porn to guide sexual activity, is like using Jackass to model behaviour. Share on X

Of course you can do all the stuff that you see in porn or on Jackass, but that does not mean that it is a good idea.

What you see in porn is a fantasy, not a recipe for great sex. In porn you will see women get fucked in the ass without lube, pussy pounded, mouthfucked and finally swallowing cum. This is not a very pleasant way to have sex in real life.

First of all, anal sex without lube can be painful and lead to tearing and bleeding. Going straight from anal to vaginal sex without changing condoms or cleaning the penis or sex toy can lead to nasty infections, as the bacteria that are found in the rectum do not belong in the vagina.

And having to taste your own ass and pussy on someone’s dick and then swallow cum is not as easy as it looks. Never mind the taste, but also the gag reflex that gets triggered when you are being mouth fucked.

If you want actual sex information and education, porn is not a good guide. If you just want a fantasy however, it is no worse than any other form of entertainment.

© Merlyn Gabriel Miller